


Everyone I Know Goes Away in the End.

by overall_sin_and_trash



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Force Ghost Qui-Gon Jinn, Hurt Obi-Wan Kenobi, M/M, Obi-Wan Kenobi is a Mess, Pining, Poor Obi-Wan Kenobi, tw: brief mention of rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:27:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24763834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/overall_sin_and_trash/pseuds/overall_sin_and_trash
Summary: Ben Kenobi is surviving on Tatooine. Not living, but surviving. The only hope he has is contacting his master, Qui Gon. But what can he even say?
Relationships: Qui-Gon Jinn/Obi-Wan Kenobi
Comments: 6
Kudos: 29





	Everyone I Know Goes Away in the End.

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from the song “Hurt” :)

The twin suns overhead scorch the desert planet, but Obi Wan has long since forgotten the heat. He’s in the darkness of his little hut that’s never cool enough, stripped down to his lightest tunics. Each day he finds it harder to get up. It has not been long since he first arrived on Tatooine, but he already found himself feeling increasingly depressed. Of course, he tried to tell himself that he had every right to be depressed. After all, he had just lost his padawan. His best friend. His brother. And all the jedi with him.

For some reason, he lied to Owen and Beru. They’d probably never understand the real reason that Luke could never know his father or sister. So he told them that Anakin was killed. Though that wasn’t exactly a lie. He told them that he killed Anakin himself.

But, perhaps that wasn’t a lie either.

Owen had been furious. Beru was heartbroken. They didn’t understand why a Skywalker murderer was sent to watch over the last of his bloodline. And then Obi Wan suggested that he trained young Luke, but Owen said horrible things to him. Things that stuck in his mind every waking moment.

“We don’t need your protection! I don’t want you to ever come near this boy! Haven’t you killed enough Skywalkers, Kenobi?!”

Owen was right, wasn’t he? He had murdered Anakin. Anakin, his best friend. Anakin, the only person who ever understood him. Gods above, he did kill him, didn’t he?

In every waking and dreaming moment he was watching two men fight. Two men who had loved each other more than anything. And at the end of it, two men were dead— but there were no bodies. The first corpse took shuddering steps back to his ship. The second was dragged away by traitorous soldiers. No bodies, no bodies at all. Obi Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker, the bravest men the Republic had seen, killed each other on a distant hellscape. Yet there were no graves. No markers. No monuments. Only ash and tears and scorching words lingering in the air of a planet on fire.

Ben Kenobi and Darth Vader were opposing shells of who they once were. Ben was a broken old man, forced to hide in the desert, slowly forgetting what it meant to be a Jedi. Darth Vader helped rule the Empire with an iron fist— he was levels above where Anakin was, at the dire cost of his humanity.

Ben contemplated killing himself. If he had no Anakin, no ability to train Luke, no Jedi of the next generation— what did he have? He was training to see Qui Gon again. That was virtually the only reason he didn’t abandon the last shreds of his Jedi mindset and burn a hole through his heart.

When he finally saw Qui Gon again, he burst into tears. “Why’d you have to die?!” He screamed. “Why’d you leave me?!”

Qui Gon, unable to hold his former padawan, knelt by him. “Dear one, it was the will of the force that I died and you trained Anakin.”

“Look what happened!” Obi Wan sobbed. “The Jedi are dead! You’re dead. Anakin and Padmé are dead!” He held his head in his hands. “Everyone I’ve ever loved is dead!”

“Oh, Obi.” Qui Gon smiled sadly. “Anakin isn’t dead. He’s just changed.”

“I can’t.” Obi Wan whispered. “I can’t imagine him alive. It’s better if I believe that I murdered him.”

“No, you didn’t murder him. You did everything you could for him.”

Obi Wan resumes crying. “But it was never enough. I was never good enough for him. He needed you. And he told me that. He told me that he wished that I died instead of you.”

“He didn’t mean that—“

“I don’t care! He said it! He said that to me and I’ve never been able to forget it. He’s right. If you had taken my place, he wouldn’t have—“ his voice caught in his throat. “The Jedi would still be alive.”

“Obi Wan.” Qui Gon sighed. “Look at me.” He waited. “Look at me.” When he met the younger man’s face, he smiled. “You’ve grown so much. But you are still so similar to when you were my apprentice.”

Obi Wan hiccuped. “...what?”

“This complex of yours. You’ve never thought you were good enough. That you were worthy of what you had. Even though you never said it, I know you thought that I didn’t want you.” His smile dropped when Obi Wan hung his head. “It’s not true, Obi Wan.”

His eyes began to well up again. “I loved you. So much. More than I’ve loved anyone. More than Satine, even.” He laughed, the sound broken and strangled. “But then you died. And I was left alone with a boy who hated me for not being able to save you. The Jedi... they were unsympathetic. A number of knights openly laughed in my face when they saw that I’d been crying. The council lectured me for ages about attachment. And one time—“ he trailed off, crying harder.

“What happened, Obi Wan?”

“A few of the knights dropped by my quarters. They heard me crying about you, about... how much I loved you, and they threatened to tell the council if I didn’t do something for them.”

Qui Gon leaned closer. “What did they make you do, dear one?”

“They used me like a whore.” He sobbed. “And I didn’t try to stop them. I thought that I deserved it for feeling how I did about you.” He gasped for breath as he wept. “They spat in my face, and when one of them took me for the first time, they mocked my celibacy and accused me of saving myself in hopes that you’d take my virginity.” He cried harder. “And it was true. I felt disgusting. I still feel disgusting.”

“It’s okay.” Qui Gon wanted desperately to hold and comfort his former padawan. “I loved you too. But I thought it was inappropriate for me to be with you. I was going to wait until you were a knight, but... it was too late.”

They sat there for a long while, Obi Wan still sobbing. Eventually his tears slowed and his breathing evened out.

“Master, what do I do now?”

“You need to stay alive to help the boy.”

“But Owen said—“

“He will need you one day. So you need to be there for him. I know you’ve felt so lonely for so long, but I’m here now. From now on, I’ll always be with you.”

Obi Wan curled up on his bed, eyelids swollen and heavy from crying. “Master?”

Qui Gon laid down next to him. “Yes, dear one?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too. Always.”

**Author's Note:**

> I had this in my drive and I thought I’d post it while I work on the “Anakin Fucking (Obi Wan) Up” series lmao. Anyways, comments and kudos make my day! Hope y’all enjoyed, and feel free to leave criticism!


End file.
